Finally past mid week. Disgusting three days though on and off I had mini surprises, like my results, my transcript, my online loots, and love from my loved ones.


Every now and then I think about the things you say about me, the horrible untruth you said about me. But now, I feel disgusted by your words. I really do wish I can take all the words you said to me and shove it right into your face. Probably those are just doubts, just suspicions, just assumptions. But its getting a little too obvious. Well at least I don't have to hide anything. At least I dare to tell the whole world what I'm up to. Come to think of it, I never once said that it will never happen. But you did. So we'll see. Even if it did happen on my side, at least I didn't insist that it wouldn't. But you did.

Why does one begin to write? Because she feels misunderstood, I guess. Because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. Because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost.
— Nicole Krauss

Here's to you, after 1 month and 17 days. I'm finally typing this for you.
Thank you for the past 3.5 years of love, memories and agony. When I first knew you, you were beautiful. To me, at least. You were just the one I wanted to be with, I saw a future with you, everything in my life, revolves around you. I don't know when or how it started, but we just lost each other. Each time we're out happy, we end up in quarrels. Then it made me afraid of being happy. I had doubts whenever I'm out with you, laughing. Because I never knew when will the next quarrel follow. May be immediate, may be awhile. But it'd definitely come.
Then you were part of my family, my mum sees you as a son, my grandma sees you as a grandson, my siblings sees you like their sibling. I always feel very happy to have you beside me at night when we sleep, because I love waking up to you, to being beside you. I love how when I get a nightmare and you'll just be there assuring me. When I get hungry in the middle of the night, we'd go for supper and just get fat together. We came out with plans together, we planned everything together.
But finally I saw that I wasn't your priority when you had to choose between your friends and I. It was never their fault, it was always my fault. Me picking fights, me finding problems, me picking at every single little minor detail. You'd never side me when things happen, only after quarrels, only after you decided to find out how I really felt, or what really happened.
Each time you decided to leave me, I'd never agree to it, I'd find ways to prevent it from happening. I thought we were forever. I thought we meant forever. I thought we could prove everyone else wrong. I was wrong. I was so wrong.
Until that very day, I decided that it'd do us good to be apart. To be away from each other's life. It isn't because of anyone else that I made that decision, it was because of you.
Each time you compare yourself with him, I get very sick and tired because it ends up to the same argument. I stopped replying each time the topic of him gets brought up because I don't wanna argue anymore. Both of you are different individuals, so don't compare. You both are good in your own ways.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes, they're memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste... But I believe you're so much happier without me in your life right now, and I wish nothing for the best for you, with whoever that's in your life right now. Her.

I have so much to say, but I can't put them into words. I only hope that you'll understand. But its okay if you don't.
Thank you for everything, the love, the anger, and every single moment of the past 3.5 years. Till we speak again.





Okay, I'm getting too emotional. Days like this I just wanna go away. Somewhere, anywhere.

So the whole family's going for steamboat dinner tonight, without me. Because I have work until 9pm. But it's okay I guess, since I'll be meeting bbg for our all time love.
I just cut 3 ringtones for the 3 special people in my life right now.
Happiness is on the way. For me.


Side note, today is Thursday. WHICH MEANS 3 MORE DAYS TILL DEAR COMES HOME.